Healing Arts

Do I make it happen by willing it?  Do I really believe that if I will something hard enough that it will occur, that things will happen just as I want them to? Because I wished and wanted so much.

Do I really believe that if I keep clinging and resisting what is plainly obvious in front of me, that somehow it will change? That it will be different.

Do I harbor a belief that if I grieve and cry with enough strength and conviction, that if I feel enough pain, that someone, somewhere will take notice and change the circumstances that I am dealt?

Desire in the driving seat and the fear of loss its passenger, I cling, tense tight fingers and clenching fist and grinding teeth, I hold my breath.

It feels almost as if my body responds in fear, because it knows that I have no control over outcomes or events.  Heart pounding, holding my breath, can I make it come true?

Anxiety is wasteful energy – misdirected on things out of my control. I steer this passion back to that which I can. My breath, my demeanor, my response to the situation at hand.

I find myself here and reconnect to time. Here, now.

Yes, I recall, the times when I saw no alternative if things did not go exactly as I needed, wanted.

And what happened then, I ask? I learned from my mistakes. I learned that I wished for the impossible for I had much, much growing to do before I could even begin to appreciate what I wished for.

I was not ready.

Yet, and yet. I presume that I am ready now. I know what is good , I know what is right. Because I want it badly enough, and wish for it with all my strength, it must be real.

It must be realized.

But when my strength is gone, my breathing stops, my body aches and my heart bleeds – I stop for a moment and greet the despair. Hello Old Friend, what gifts have you come baring today?

And Despair says, Shaz, have you learned nothing?

We smile at each other, as old friends do, a few words and I perfectly understand his well-meaning words.

(Smiling) I have. I do.